Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Another Disastrous Day...

Tuesday morning didn't start well. It started like pretty much every morning has started for the last six months or so: A cup of coffee, and a few ginger biscuits. It should be a black coffee, no sugar, two ginger biscuits, but of late it's been a black coffee, a smidgen of sugar, and a number of ginger biscuits... I haven't been keeping count.

Tuesday is probably my busiest day of work - well, busiest day in general usually. So I left the house at half seven as usual, and made the short trip to work, where I picked up the van. Now,  my usual van was in getting a service, so I was using a replacement van - an older, heavier, less comfortable van than my 2011 Mercedes Sprinter. But nevermind, I got in and got on.

I was back for lunch at about quarter past eleven, and I had to go straight to ASDA. You see, I'd used up all of my tuna, and had forgotten to get some more. So I had to go and get some tuna, but I wouldn't be able to mix it up in only the way that Chandelirious can, so I had to get a sarnie as well.

Well, as you can imagine, a sarnie and tuna were not the only items in my basket by the time I reached the checkout. Oh no.

First of all, the sandwich: A chicken and bacon monster. Very nice, very succulent, probably very bad, but did I mention oh so very  nice? Yup, one of them.

Of course, I had my four tins of John West Tuna in Spring Water (four quid! FOUR QUID!). Once I had those items, I should've made a bee-line for the checkout. But I didn't.

Instead, I found myself in the confectionery aisle. Which, I'm sure you'd agree, is a strange place for a man who claims to be on a diet to stand.  Suddenly, my basket was weighed down with a small bag of Dolly Mix (I am SUCH a child, but I really do like them.)  Then, there was the magnificent offer of 4 Mars Bars for £1, so I grabbed them. After all, although I am on a diet, I know that I'll still be wanting some sweet stuff, and a Mars bar a day is a treat, isn't it? Isn't it? Well, it was telling myself that over and over that helped me to sleep last night, so don't shatter my illusion...

After that, I found myself looking at the refrigerated milkshakes, and one of them, ASDA's own chocolate shake, was in my basket. I don't know how that happened - I like to think that I rescued it. I moved quickly away from the fridges, and then I realised where I was.

You know in The Lion King, where Simba finds himself in the wilderness, with all the bones from where all the animals go to die? Yeah, well you know his face? That was my face, when I realised that I was in the bakery section of ASDA. I turned and fled, but not before a two pack of Jam donuts had jumped off of the shelf, and, narrowly missing me, had landed in my basket.

Getting to the checkout, I had a very weird experience. My hand, of it's own accord, reached out and grabbed a KitKat Chunky, and placed it on the conveyor belt. So freaked out was I by this sudden occurrence, I didn't dare intervene.

Stuffing my purchases into an environmentally hazardous plastic bag which will take years to decompose, I headed out of ASDA and back to base.

Now, I walk back from ASDA - it's only about ten minutes, but I like to think that I'm doing my part by not driving, and that I'm helped to stretch my short and stumpy legs.  Anyway, as I'm heading back to base, I eat the KitKat Chunky. Man, it tasted good. Truth be told, the Chunky was gone before I was even out of the car park, but that's by the by.

I munched on the sandwich, which tasted really nice (did I mention that already? Sorry...) and then drank my chocolate shake.

Now, I'd already had an apple on the morning round, so I felt that I had done okay in my efforts to be healthy. I wolfed down a Mars Bar, as my colleagues looked at me accusingly. Yeah, they all know that I'm on a diet. Frankly, I think that they are jealous... Yeah, who am I kidding.

Back in the van for the afternoon, it was pretty uneventful. I ate my Dolly Mix, and to be quite honest, I felt pretty sick after that.

I got home, and decided to mow the lawn, front and back. It was the first time that I had mown the front since last year, so it was pretty hard going, and I reckon it'll probably need doing again by Saturday. The back hadn't been done too long ago, but it's bigger and took probably just as long, if not longer.

After mowing the lawn, I was hungry. I opened my bag of jam donuts, and ate them both as I checked my emails and stuff. I had no remorse, just pure unadulterated greed.

I then decided to tidy the outhouse, which has become something of a dumping ground in recent times. That too took a while, during which Wife came home from work and prepared a meal, namely, Sweet and Sour Chicken.

By the time I was finished tidying up, dinner was just being served up, and I was famished. I devoured that like a ravenous wolf that hadn't eaten in four weeks, not like an overweight man who had eaten two donuts just an hour previously...

We sat down to watch another episode of Alcatraz during dinner.  Then I got a frantic phone call from a mate who needed to print an important document, and his printer had no ink. So he sent me the document, and by the time he pulled up outside the house, it was printed and waiting for him.

It was getting later, and Dog hadn't been out for a walk yet. Instead of taking him to the Lake again, we headed out for some nearby fields. It's good to mix it up every now and again. But we walked for ages, and it was almost dark when we got in.

the next job of the evening was tidying the cupboard under the stairs. That was another area that had become a dumping ground, and Dog was getting excited, as he had never even noticed this area of the house before, and wanted to be in every nook and cranny.  I managed to hook up a light in there, which made the area a lot less scary than it was otherwise. Ha, I know I'm painting a portrait of a massive storage area, but it's not, trust me - it's probably three feet high, three feet wide, and as deep as the average set of stairs. But the junk that we'd managed to stash in there was unreal. Cheesh.

Once that was sorted, I was mega thirsty, and wanted something to drink that would chill me out big time. So I poured some skimmed milk into a pint glass, added four healthy scoops of vanilla ice cream, and then some heaped spoonfuls of Nesquik Chocolate powder.

Oh. My. Word.

If you've never had it, don't have it. You'll want it constantly, and if you're on a diet, it's fast track to gaining weight and cardiac arrest. (But it's really, really, really nice...)

After that, I was well and truly shattered, and I had no other option but to drag myself to bed.

But I was determined that Wednesday I would do better. I would be healthier. Yes, I would still have my treats, but I would be much better.

I also decided that I would only weigh myself once a week - I think that it's probably a better way to see progress/regress than weighing myself every day, so I''ll only weigh myself on Mondays, but I will post the weight as soon as I do it.

I will shed this weight, I will succeed.

Thanks for reading.

I am The Dieting Man.

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