Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Time for Revenge: 100 Ways to Annoy People

Alrighty There People!

It's time for revenge. Revenge on colleagues, revenge on schoolmates, revenge on husbands, wives, parents and children. Revenge on strangers just because they are there. This is the ultimate revenge list. This is 100 Ways To Annoy People:

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog", your cat "Cat, and (I love this:) Your kids "Boy" and "Girl".

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Cif.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal voice. ie, "Lynn's heading to the photopying room, she's in the room, she's put her paper in the machine AND NOW IT's COPYING!"

32. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FACT Anti Piracy copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti theft detector strips into people's clothes.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

44. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this regularly, it's fantastic!)

45. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

46. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental films.

47. Wear your pants backwards.

48. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

49. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


51. only type in lowercase.

52. dont use any punctuation either

53. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

54. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

55. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

56. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

57. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

58. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson/Diana conspiracy theories.

59. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now..."

60. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

61. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their spoon.

62. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

63. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

64. At the laundry service, use one dryer for each of your socks.

65. When Christmas carolling, sing, "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

66. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

67. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

68. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

69. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

70. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

71. Drive to the corner shop.

72. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

73. Ask people what gender they are.

74. Lick the filling out of all the Custard Creams, and put the biscuit parts back.

75. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, learn Cockney rhyming slang.

76. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves", or the Batman theme tune. (I bet they're both in your head now!!!)

77. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head, like a parakeet.

78. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

79. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. (I've actually seen people do this...)

80. Change your name to "AaJohn AaaaaSmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

81. Sit in your front garden pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

82. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. (Ooops. I do this too.)

83. Wear a LOT of aftershave/perfume.

84. Listen to CD's at double speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

85. Sing along at the opera.

86. Mow your lawn with scissors.

87. At a golf tournament, chant, "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

88. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

89. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

90. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

91. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

92. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

93. Never make eye contact.

94. Never break eye contact.

95. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

96. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

97. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

98. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

99. In a "100 Ways to..." list, only go up to 99!

So don't just sit around. Go out there and get your revenge!

Extracted from The Laughter File


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