Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - Extract from The Laughter File
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place . No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
7. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
8. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
9. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
10. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
11. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
12. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
13. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations.
14. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
15. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
16. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
17. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
18. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
19. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
20. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
21. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
22. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
23. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely it is that they will fall in love.
24. You never need the keys to start a car if you are chasing someone.
25. You always need the keys, and can never find them, to start a car when you're being chased.
26. Latin drug lords love gold jewellery and all live in big houses in Miami and keep tigers as pets.
27. Local cops, or DEA, FBI, CIA always have a hard time finding Latin drug lords because the drug lords look and live like average citizens
28. Binoculars not only allow you to see better, but you can also hear what the people are saying
29. High school bullies in the sixties and seventies were all named Biff
30. Ugly people are never attacked by creepy murderers
31. Creepy murderers always have a limp and/or enjoy walking really slowly
32. No matter how far you run, drive, or fly, the limping creepy murderer will get there faster
33. Banks, as a matter of policy, always keep their cash inside bags to expedite the handoff to robbers
34. Security guards are always fat slobs who sleep on the job
35. All international conflicts can be solved by one lonely muscle dude in the span of ninety minutes
36. In a trilogy, the bad guys always win in the second movie
27. Italian households always keep the living room lights dimmed, and always have soft instrumental music playing in the background
38. Italian households consist of at least eight people
39. Italian families always argue at the dinner table
40. The female black sheep of an Italian family is always named Deloris and is always pregnant
41. The male black sheep of an Italian family is always named Richie and sells drugs
42. Hispanic households consist of at least eight children who share one bed
43. Underdogs in our society always grow up by the docks or the train tracks
44. Your hair will never get messed up in a natural disaster
45. Bad guys never carry enough bullets
46. On rare occasions when a good guy runs out of bullets, the bad guy that is about to kill him gets shot in the back by the good guys partner who rises from near death
47. High school principals are as dumb as artichokes
48. If a parent admits that a child of theirs is really special, that child will get run over by a car while bike riding around the neighbourhood
49. Although physically impossible, you can always hear spaceships explode in outer space
50. When looking something up in a book, it will always be on the first page you open up
51. Young idealistic people always end up being right
52. If you fall in the ocean, a shark will promptly appear and will want to eat you, even though most sharks couldn’t care less about humans
53. Even though you are being shot at by multiple enemies, they will probably never hit you, and if they did it would only be a minor wound
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