Thursday, 24 May 2007

Job Security Quiz

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being given the boot. Take this quiz and find out your chances of survival in the job world.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing Need for Speed Carbon at
your desk. You...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the race.

2. There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your boss’ office and demand reassignment so that you “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch “Only Fools And Horses” reruns
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’ house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "UNION."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, and then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter asks you out on a date. How do you react?
A. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honoured to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.
B. Go on the date, but then tell her you’re not ready for long-term commitment
C. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, and then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You’re a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

This is another cool extract from the increasingly popular joke book The Laughter File - if you haven't bought a copy yet, you can get one right now from


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