Monday, 30 July 2007

The Extracts - Combined!

Alrighty There People! Well, over the last few months, along with my dieting history, I've also been putting up quite a few extracts from The Laughter File. So, I thought I'd group them all together into one place, just in case you had missed any out, and just to inject a bit of humour into your day. Get ready...

Signs You Are Definitely a 21st Century Citizen

The pace of life seems to be getting faster and faster and faster, and with this dizzyingly fast pace, stress levels are just going up and up and up.

So to just brighten up your day a bit, to reduce those stress levels, I've put together this list (don't worry, it will only set you back three minutes, yes you have got the time) - read this, have a laugh, then get back to work.

Signs You Are Definitely a 21st Century Citizen

1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
3. Keeping up with sports entails adding SkySport's homepage to your bookmarks.
4. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
5. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
6. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes.
7. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
8. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
10. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as deliverables.
11. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
12. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
13. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
14. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbours.
15. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
16. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
17. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.


Five Ways to Randomly Distribute Your Business Cards

Okay, I've been thinking about ways that you could distribute your business cards. Let's say that you provide a service that would appeal to most people. For example, you know that X amount of people have a computer, and you provide a computer repair service.

Here's five tips to give out your business cards to unsuspecting members of the public, to drum up more business.

1. Go To The Car ParkGo to a large car park, a shopping centre is good. Place your business card, blank side facing out, between the glass and the rubber strip on the driver's side. The driver, upon returning to his vehicle, will notice the blank card, take it out, flip it, and read it. WHAM! You're in his brain.

2. Leave Your Cards At The TillWhen doing your shopping, ask if you could leave a bunch of cards at the till of the shop that you are visiting. Most are likely to say yes. Even better, go to a big place like Comet or Curry's, and ask if they will let you leave your card there. They may say yes!

3. Stick Them AroundBack your cards with sticky tape, and as you walk around a shopping centre, slap them randomly onto windows, walls, doors and pillars. WARNING - This could be dangerous - don't get caught. Wait a minute - you're doing this with YOUR business card. Possibly not safe!

4. Leave The On The SeatOn a bus? Leave one on your seat. In a taxi? Leave one on your seat. At the doctors? Leave one on your seat. In a cafe? Leave one on your seat. Get the idea?

5. Pin Them To The BoardShopping Centre got a board with local information? Leave a couple of your cards there.

These tips may not get you much business, but they will certainly distribute your business cards!

If you have any other innovative ways to distribute business cards, leave a comment!


Deep Thoughts in Life...

Sometimes we all need time to jusst kick back and think. Think about life, think about the past, the present and the future. And when you do that, these are the kinds of thoughts that you experience...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armour because you were "just going down to the corner."

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, woohoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.


Presents for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems:

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hanging on the peg board in the garage.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ‘ratchet’ or ‘socket’ in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Yeah, no problem. By the way, are you finished with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99p ice scraper, a can of tyre paint restorer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented boxer shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! “Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 120 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "The History of Quilt Making – An Opera”

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of good, chunky rope.

Rule #15:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.

Rule #16:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

The Laughter File: Paperback Book

Time for Revenge: 100 Ways to Annoy People

Alrighty There People!

It's time for revenge. Revenge on colleagues, revenge on schoolmates, revenge on husbands, wives, parents and children. Revenge on strangers just because they are there. This is the ultimate revenge list. This is 100 Ways To Annoy People:

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog", your cat "Cat, and (I love this:) Your kids "Boy" and "Girl".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Cif.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal voice. ie, "Lynn's heading to the photopying room, she's in the room, she's put her paper in the machine AND NOW IT's COPYING!"
32. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FACT Anti Piracy copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti theft detector strips into people's clothes.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
44. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this regularly, it's fantastic!)
45. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
46. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental films.
47. Wear your pants backwards.
48. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
49. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
51. only type in lowercase.
52. dont use any punctuation either
53. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
54. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
55. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
56. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
57. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
58. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson/Diana conspiracy theories.
59. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now..."
60. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
61. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their spoon.
62. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
63. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
64. At the laundry service, use one dryer for each of your socks.
65. When Christmas carolling, sing, "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
66. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
67. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
68. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
69. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
70. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
71. Drive to the corner shop.
72. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
73. Ask people what gender they are.
74. Lick the filling out of all the Custard Creams, and put the biscuit parts back.
75. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, learn Cockney rhyming slang.
76. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves", or the Batman theme tune. (I bet they're both in your head now!!!)
77. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head, like a parakeet.
78. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
79. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. (I've actually seen people do this...)
80. Change your name to "AaJohn AaaaaSmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
81. Sit in your front garden pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
82. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. (Ooops. I do this too.)
83. Wear a LOT of aftershave/perfume.
84. Listen to CD's at double speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
85. Sing along at the opera.
86. Mow your lawn with scissors.
87. At a golf tournament, chant, "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
88. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
89. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
90. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
91. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
92. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
93. Never make eye contact.
94. Never break eye contact.
95. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
96. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
97. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
98. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
99. In a "100 Ways to..." list, only go up to 99!

So don't just sit around. Go out there and get your revenge!


How to Keep the IT Team Happy

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a tonne of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and your children's school drawings. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an IT technician says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way, you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your email because your computer won't power on at all.

When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent mail all in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.

When an IT person tells you that computer screens do not have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 attempts, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper terminology for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy doesn't work."

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.


I Asked My Boss for A Day Off Work...

Today I asked my boss if I could have a day off next week. This was his reply...:

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work.

There's no way I'll let you take that day off!


Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - Extract from The Laughter File

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place . No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
7. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
8. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
9. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
10. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
11. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
12. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
13. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations.
14. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
15. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
16. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
17. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
18. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
19. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
20. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
21. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
22. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
23. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely it is that they will fall in love.
24. You never need the keys to start a car if you are chasing someone.
25. You always need the keys, and can never find them, to start a car when you're being chased.
26. Latin drug lords love gold jewellery and all live in big houses in Miami and keep tigers as pets.
27. Local cops, or DEA, FBI, CIA always have a hard time finding Latin drug lords because the drug lords look and live like average citizens
28. Binoculars not only allow you to see better, but you can also hear what the people are saying
29. High school bullies in the sixties and seventies were all named Biff
30. Ugly people are never attacked by creepy murderers
31. Creepy murderers always have a limp and/or enjoy walking really slowly
32. No matter how far you run, drive, or fly, the limping creepy murderer will get there faster
33. Banks, as a matter of policy, always keep their cash inside bags to expedite the handoff to robbers
34. Security guards are always fat slobs who sleep on the job
35. All international conflicts can be solved by one lonely muscle dude in the span of ninety minutes
36. In a trilogy, the bad guys always win in the second movie
27. Italian households always keep the living room lights dimmed, and always have soft instrumental music playing in the background
38. Italian households consist of at least eight people
39. Italian families always argue at the dinner table
40. The female black sheep of an Italian family is always named Deloris and is always pregnant
41. The male black sheep of an Italian family is always named Richie and sells drugs
42. Hispanic households consist of at least eight children who share one bed
43. Underdogs in our society always grow up by the docks or the train tracks
44. Your hair will never get messed up in a natural disaster
45. Bad guys never carry enough bullets
46. On rare occasions when a good guy runs out of bullets, the bad guy that is about to kill him gets shot in the back by the good guys partner who rises from near death
47. High school principals are as dumb as artichokes
48. If a parent admits that a child of theirs is really special, that child will get run over by a car while bike riding around the neighbourhood
49. Although physically impossible, you can always hear spaceships explode in outer space
50. When looking something up in a book, it will always be on the first page you open up
51. Young idealistic people always end up being right
52. If you fall in the ocean, a shark will promptly appear and will want to eat you, even though most sharks couldn’t care less about humans
53. Even though you are being shot at by multiple enemies, they will probably never hit you, and if they did it would only be a minor wound

The Laughter File: BBC Children in Need 2007 Special Edition (Paperback Book)

Job Security Quiz

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being given the boot. Take this quiz and find out your chances of survival in the job world.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing Need for Speed Carbon at
your desk. You...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the race.

2. There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your boss’ office and demand reassignment so that you “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch “Only Fools And Horses” reruns
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’ house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "UNION."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, and then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter asks you out on a date. How do you react?
A. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honoured to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.
B. Go on the date, but then tell her you’re not ready for long-term commitment
C. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, and then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You’re a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.


14 Biblical Ways to Acquire A Wife!

Apparently, this was going to go into The Laughter File, but the author decided against it - but it's still really funny.

So you're single, you want a wife - what do you do? Use one of these successful methods of securing for yourself a wife!

Top 14 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)


How to determine YOUR Star Wars name:

Your New First Name:
1. Take the first 3 letters of your 1st name.
2. Add the first 2 letters of your last name.

Your New Last Name:
3. Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name.
4. Add the first 3 letters of the city you were born in.

Your Star Wars Honorific Title:
5. Take the last three letters of your last name and reverse them.
6. Add the first three letters of the make or model of your first car.
7. Insert the word "of".
8. Tack on the name of the last medication you took.

So I am March Miwel, Relfor of Nurofen!



Bored? Take the 3 Minute IQ Test!

Bored? Alleviate that boredom, and stretch those mind muscles, by taking this simple IQ Test. But be warned - things aren't always as they seem...

IQ Test
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 pence; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
7. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
8. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
9. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by. What colour is the bear? Why?
10. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
11. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
12. How far can a dog run into the woods?
13. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
14. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
15. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
16. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

Scroll down for the answers and your score...

1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. No - because he is dead.
7. They aren't playing each other.
8. 70
9. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
10. 2 – You have taken two away.
11. The match.
12. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
13. 1 Hour
14. 9
15. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
16. Meat


The Laughter File is a hilarious mix of jokes, lists, puzzles, tongue twisters and puns - you'll love it!


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