Presents for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems:

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hanging on the peg board in the garage.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ‘ratchet’ or ‘socket’ in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Yeah, no problem. By the way, are you finished with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99p ice scraper, a can of tyre paint restorer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented boxer shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! “Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 120 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "The History of Quilt Making – An Opera”

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of good, chunky rope.

Rule #15:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.

Rule #16:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

Love this kinda stuff? More great stuff in The Laughter File: Children in Need 2007 Special Edition (for every copy bought, £1.00 is donated to BBC CIN)

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I Asked My Boss for A Day Off Work...

Today I asked my boss if I could have a day off next week. This was his reply...:

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work.

There's no way I'll let you take that day off!

More hilarious stuff like this from The Laughter File, from www.lulu.com

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Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

Spiderman 3, Pirates 3, Shrek The Third - 2007 is definitely year of the Threequel. It just goes to show how much we love films - if we didn't, we wouldn't even have sequel, let alone a part three. But you know, it's not just that these films are entertaining - they are HIGLY educational. Consider these 53 facts that we would not know, had it not been for excessive movie viewings:

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - Extract from The Laughter File

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place . No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
7. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
8. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
9. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
10. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
11. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
12. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
13. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations.
14. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
15. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
16. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
17. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
18. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
19. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
20. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
21. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
22. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
23. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely it is that they will fall in love.
24. You never need the keys to start a car if you are chasing someone.
25. You always need the keys, and can never find them, to start a car when you're being chased.
26. Latin drug lords love gold jewellery and all live in big houses in Miami and keep tigers as pets.
27. Local cops, or DEA, FBI, CIA always have a hard time finding Latin drug lords because the drug lords look and live like average citizens
28. Binoculars not only allow you to see better, but you can also hear what the people are saying
29. High school bullies in the sixties and seventies were all named Biff
30. Ugly people are never attacked by creepy murderers
31. Creepy murderers always have a limp and/or enjoy walking really slowly
32. No matter how far you run, drive, or fly, the limping creepy murderer will get there faster
33. Banks, as a matter of policy, always keep their cash inside bags to expedite the handoff to robbers
34. Security guards are always fat slobs who sleep on the job
35. All international conflicts can be solved by one lonely muscle dude in the span of ninety minutes
36. In a trilogy, the bad guys always win in the second movie
27. Italian households always keep the living room lights dimmed, and always have soft instrumental music playing in the background
38. Italian households consist of at least eight people
39. Italian families always argue at the dinner table
40. The female black sheep of an Italian family is always named Deloris and is always pregnant
41. The male black sheep of an Italian family is always named Richie and sells drugs
42. Hispanic households consist of at least eight children who share one bed
43. Underdogs in our society always grow up by the docks or the train tracks
44. Your hair will never get messed up in a natural disaster
45. Bad guys never carry enough bullets
46. On rare occasions when a good guy runs out of bullets, the bad guy that is about to kill him gets shot in the back by the good guys partner who rises from near death
47. High school principals are as dumb as artichokes
48. If a parent admits that a child of theirs is really special, that child will get run over by a car while bike riding around the neighbourhood
49. Although physically impossible, you can always hear spaceships explode in outer space
50. When looking something up in a book, it will always be on the first page you open up
51. Young idealistic people always end up being right
52. If you fall in the ocean, a shark will promptly appear and will want to eat you, even though most sharks couldn’t care less about humans
53. Even though you are being shot at by multiple enemies, they will probably never hit you, and if they did it would only be a minor wound

If you loved the above, you'll love The Laughter File - available from www.lulu.com!

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WARNING - IRISH VIRUS

Alrighty There People!



Well, viruses come thick and fast - they change every day, but this one - it nearly got me. My up-to-date virus definitions missed this one. My email protection didn't kick in. I very nearly lost everything - and I mean EVERYTHING.



Be warned - it's not a nice one.


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