The pace of life seems to be getting faster and faster and faster, and with this dizzyingly fast pace, stress levels are just going up and up and up.
So to just brighten up your day a bit, to reduce those stress levels, I've put together this list (don't worry, it will only set you back three minutes, yes you have got the time) - read this, have a laugh, then get back to work.
Signs You Are Definitely a 21st Century Citizen1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 3. Keeping up with sports entails adding SkySport's homepage to your bookmarks. 4. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 5. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 6. Your idea of being organized is multiple coloured post-it notes. 7. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 8. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 10. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as deliverables. 11. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 12. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 13. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 14. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbours. 15. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 16. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 17. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
This list was extracted from The Laughter File. Reduce your stress by having a laugh - buy this hilarious book now!
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Alrighty There People!
It's time for revenge. Revenge on colleagues, revenge on schoolmates, revenge on husbands, wives, parents and children. Revenge on strangers just because they are there. This is the ultimate revenge list. This is 100 Ways To Annoy People:
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog", your cat "Cat, and (I love this:) Your kids "Boy" and "Girl".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Cif.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal voice. ie, "Lynn's heading to the photopying room, she's in the room, she's put her paper in the machine AND NOW IT's COPYING!"
32. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FACT Anti Piracy copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti theft detector strips into people's clothes.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
44. Honk and wave to strangers. (I do this regularly, it's fantastic!)
45. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
46. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental films.
47. Wear your pants backwards.
48. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
49. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
50. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
51. only type in lowercase.
52. dont use any punctuation either
53. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
54. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
55. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
56. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
57. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
58. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson/Diana conspiracy theories.
59. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now..."
60. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
61. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their spoon.
62. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
63. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
64. At the laundry service, use one dryer for each of your socks.
65. When Christmas carolling, sing, "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
66. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
67. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
68. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
69. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
70. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
71. Drive to the corner shop.
72. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
73. Ask people what gender they are.
74. Lick the filling out of all the Custard Creams, and put the biscuit parts back.
75. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, learn Cockney rhyming slang.
76. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves", or the Batman theme tune. (I bet they're both in your head now!!!)
77. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head, like a parakeet.
78. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
79. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. (I've actually seen people do this...)
80. Change your name to "AaJohn AaaaaSmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
81. Sit in your front garden pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
82. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. (Ooops. I do this too.)
83. Wear a LOT of aftershave/perfume.
84. Listen to CD's at double speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
85. Sing along at the opera.
86. Mow your lawn with scissors.
87. At a golf tournament, chant, "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
88. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
89. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
90. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
91. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
92. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
93. Never make eye contact.
94. Never break eye contact.
95. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
96. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
97. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
98. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
99. In a "100 Ways to..." list, only go up to 99!
So don't just sit around. Go out there and get your revenge!
Extracted from The Laughter FileDIGG THIS!
Alrighty There People!
I couldn't help post this - I thought it was hilarious. I can so relate to all of these - I bet you can too. It's amazing how (to put it blatantly) dumb some people are.
Enjoy.
How to Keep the IT Team Happy
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a tonne of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and your children's school drawings. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an IT technician says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way, you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your email because your computer won't power on at all.
When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent mail all in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.
When an IT person tells you that computer screens do not have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 attempts, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper terminology for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy doesn't work."
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
Great stuff. Who'd be in IT support, eh? If you've got any of your own to add, please do. These are a selection from The Laughter File.DIGG THIS!
Today I asked my boss if I could have a day off next week. This was his reply...:
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work.
There's no way I'll let you take that day off!More hilarious stuff like this from The Laughter File, from www.lulu.comDIGG THIS
Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being given the boot. Take this quiz and find out your chances of survival in the job world.
1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing Need for Speed Carbon at
your desk. You...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the race.
2. There's a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your boss’ office and demand reassignment so that you “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch “Only Fools And Horses” reruns
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’ house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "UNION."
5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, and then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter asks you out on a date. How do you react?
A. Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the boss' daughter, but that you would be honoured to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.
B. Go on the date, but then tell her you’re not ready for long-term commitment
C. Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.
8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, and then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
SCORING
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You’re a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
This is another cool extract from the increasingly popular joke book The Laughter File - if you haven't bought a copy yet, you can get one right now from www.lulu.com DIGG THIS!
