Presents for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems:

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hanging on the peg board in the garage.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ‘ratchet’ or ‘socket’ in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Yeah, no problem. By the way, are you finished with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99p ice scraper, a can of tyre paint restorer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented boxer shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! “Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 120 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "The History of Quilt Making – An Opera”

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of good, chunky rope.

Rule #15:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.

Rule #16:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

Love this kinda stuff? More great stuff in The Laughter File: Children in Need 2007 Special Edition (for every copy bought, £1.00 is donated to BBC CIN)

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